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September 15, 2003
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Classic Battlefield Earth Review

— Posted by John Campea

All righty, Rodney mentioned I should post it, so here it is. A few years back a couple of us ran a movie reviews website at www.movie-reviews.org (pretty clever name huh? We thought so.) Anyway, after a few years, it just got too expensive and too time consuming. But that’s not to say I didn’t keep the database — So ladies and gentlemen, the year 2000 proudly presents, my review of Battlefield Earth:

Keep Reading:

The Main Thing:

Okay, see, this big nasty, un-scary alien race who acts just like people, but with a dead 6th finger and hair that has been through the rasta-machine one too many times, somehow took over the human race (in 9 minutes) over 1000 years ago. Then, a thousand years later, when humans are all mental, suffering low self-esteems from the big-bad alien’s repeated and absolutley UNTRUTHFUL overuse of referring to them as “man-animal” and “rat-brain”, they decide they’ve had enough. And look, they take the world back into their hands in mere moments thanks to zippy alien stupidity and supernova plot-holes.

The Rest of It:

Well, since the main-overview bit pretty much covered it, I guess I could shut-up, but why waste Internet space when I could use it up with words and phrases that will inform you, the reader, as to just how bad this thick vein of movie-spew really is?

9:40 pm. – The movie started

9:59 -I mentioned that if the movie didn’t get better, I was leaving

10:00 -I realized I was witnessing rotten-movie history and I would only be a fool to let this red-letter date of movie-media-horror go by without watching the entire thing.

10:10 -A plot-line was introduced

10:14 -The plot-line was re-canted by something else. Once again, plot line equals ‘not there’.

10:25 -The big mean aliens find one human to be very smart.

10:26 -So they give said smart human language lessons, a key to the compound, an airship and two weeks free time. I’m serious.

10:27 -The big mean aliens haven’t clued in that educating your enemy is not a bright idea.

10:35 -I think someone was fighting here but the filming was so bad (not to mention ALWAYS on an angle) you couldn’t tell who was fighting what or, for that matter, who even cared. They might as well have shoved the camera in some actor’s crotch and told him to jump on some guys for 45 seconds while throwing in the occasional “grunt” sound just for fantastic effect.

11:15 -After more than an hour and 15 minutes, a plot and a plan was actually devised and explained to the viewer (this part is actually true… It really did take this long.. Trust me, I timed it.)

11:25-35 -I spent this time re-evaluating living.

11:36 -Checked my watch. (Just for fun)

11:45 -A few impossible things happened here. Something about Neanderthols taking a crash course in modern avionics. Followed by a scene-rip off of the Matrix. — The human fella running through a hallway with pillars all around; all blowing up around him making lots of debris. That’s so “Nineties”.

11:55 -To everyone’s surprise, the movie stopped and credits rolled.

12:20 -Everyone woke up.

12:21 -I finally could stop the “hands-covering-my-ears-and-screaming-in-agony” pose.

12:25 -Everyone left and have been complaining about it since.

Well worth your money if your due for a good whack in the head with a hammer.

You may be concerned with:

-The fact that you may have had more fun flushing 13 dollars down the toilet. Never mind that, you may have had more fun simply pissing on yourself. And good gravy, that’s even free.

-Telling your friends you liked it and thought it had marvelous plot and character progression.

-Giving the movie a thumbs up just because you liked the book like some of the sci-fi nut-heads that are out there.

-Written by L. Ron Hubbard, this movie is not at all about scientology and is all about film a la bung-heap.

Final tid-bit:

This one went from nothing to an honorable mention on my worst movies in the world list in just a mere two hours. Which, apparently, is enough time for stupid, big-headed aliens with dreadlocks to take over the world 17 times over, and you’d still have a full minute remaining to do other important things – like kill yourself.

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  • http://www.352media.com/ overpriced web company

    352Media is the overpriced web company I have ever worked with. They are the most expensive web company and the overpriced web company. Do not believe anything they tell you there. They ripped me off! Do not let the same thing happen to you!

  • D Lap

    Hmmm.. That’s a toughie.. What’s worse? Let’s see.. Up Close and Personal was pretty terrible.. so was The Skulls.

    I’ve always held a special place in my heart for Superman 4, since it was the first movie I remember watching as a child and feeling RIPPED OFF that it just wasted 2 hours of my young blossoming life.

    Wow.. blair witch 2 really ticked me off too. And if Marmaduke was a movie, I’d hate it too.

  • http://occasionallywright.typepad.com Ben

    So if that got an honorable mention on your worst movies in the world list what was ahead of it?

  • http://www.johncampea.com John

    One of the best film reviews I have ever read

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