— John Candy as Barf from Spaceballs, 1987
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September 15, 2003
Classic Battlefield Earth Review
— Posted by John Campea
All righty, Rodney mentioned I should post it, so here it is. A few years back a couple of us ran a movie reviews website at www.movie-reviews.org (pretty clever name huh? We thought so.) Anyway, after a few years, it just got too expensive and too time consuming. But that’s not to say I didn’t keep the database — So ladies and gentlemen, the year 2000 proudly presents, my review of Battlefield Earth:
Okay, see, this big nasty, un-scary alien race who acts just like people, but with a dead 6th finger and hair that has been through the rasta-machine one too many times, somehow took over the human race (in 9 minutes) over 1000 years ago. Then, a thousand years later, when humans are all mental, suffering low self-esteems from the big-bad alien’s repeated and absolutley UNTRUTHFUL overuse of referring to them as “man-animal” and “rat-brain”, they decide they’ve had enough. And look, they take the world back into their hands in mere moments thanks to zippy alien stupidity and supernova plot-holes.
The Rest of It:
Well, since the main-overview bit pretty much covered it, I guess I could shut-up, but why waste Internet space when I could use it up with words and phrases that will inform you, the reader, as to just how bad this thick vein of movie-spew really is?
9:40 pm. – The movie started
Well worth your money if your due for a good whack in the head with a hammer.
You may be concerned with:
-The fact that you may have had more fun flushing 13 dollars down the toilet. Never mind that, you may have had more fun simply pissing on yourself. And good gravy, that’s even free.
-Telling your friends you liked it and thought it had marvelous plot and character progression.
-Giving the movie a thumbs up just because you liked the book like some of the sci-fi nut-heads that are out there.
-Written by L. Ron Hubbard, this movie is not at all about scientology and is all about film a la bung-heap.
This one went from nothing to an honorable mention on my worst movies in the world list in just a mere two hours. Which, apparently, is enough time for stupid, big-headed aliens with dreadlocks to take over the world 17 times over, and you’d still have a full minute remaining to do other important things – like kill yourself.
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