— John Candy as Barf from Spaceballs, 1987
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July 8, 2004
Now that you’ve shut up, SIDDOWN!!!!
— Posted by John Campea
Before sitting, recall the art of Shutting Up.
Okay, lemme express something here: You’ll be able to leave the blasted theatre. I swear. Honest. No kidding: you’ll leave the building. No one is going to keep you here forever despite the fact that you should’ve been locked up in the first place. So here’s the deal: How about watching the entire movie? No really. That movie that you paid for with the money that you went to all the trouble stealing from mommy’s purse? Yeah how does the idea of watching it grab ya? Too Much? I don’t care….
I know you’re going to have a hard time grasping this with your flaccid brain being all addicted to asprin, pot or Fen Phen – or whatever you think is cool to be addicted to these days, but maybe you should keep your lumpy nethers in your seat until the movie’s finished. That would be very helpful. I don’t need to see someone walking around the theatre, coming back in and out when they realize they forgot their jacket or they noticed the movie is still going or to give the audience another glimpse as to what an abused ego you have. – All of this occuring while the very thing you and many others paid for is still dancing….
Besides, what’s your bloody rush? You’re only going to rush out of the theatre at break neck speed to stand on the escalator all the way to the top/bottom as to not over use your trunk-like legs (See “Fen-Phen”) that can clearly only handle moving that huge head of yours 50 paces at a time without stopping for air. Now I realize that you’ve got important things to do like try to wear more cigarettes behind your ear or figure out how to wear pants even lower and still claim they’re “on”, but that garbage can wait, all right? I don’t need you and your freinds/family/posse/crew/peeps/bitches/children/hostages roaming around ruining the last 5 minutes of my movie because you deem it necessary to let everyone know that you’ve magically figured out -all by yourself- that the film is going to end soon. Good for you. Idiot.
I get wonderful delight from film’s false endings; watching morons exiting the theatre early need to shamefully crawl back to their seats as the movie they were trying to leave for no reason whatsoever, spare needing to get home to hump the crack in the couch, continues in its story. This was easily the one redeeming thing from Godzilla. Years ago, but what a vivid memory. Ahh…..
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