As some of you may know, I’m a fan of World of Warcraft (I currently have a Level 70 Undead Mage called “DarthRampage”). The game is much fun and very addictive. One of the key elements of the game is gear. Yes you have your regular “Strength” and “Intelligence” ratings… but what makes your character really unique and powerful is the equipment they use. Various gear can give you bonuses, powers and advantages (or sometimes disadvantages and drawbacks).
Anyway, I was thinking the other day about what some movie characters World of Warcraft stats and gear would be if translated. I figure it would look something like this:
Enchanted cape of Child Neglect
Enchanted cape gives wearer a +15 bonus to avoid making child support payments.
Mystic Blue Tights of the Voyeur
Blue Tights of the Voyeur gives wearer a +45% success probability bonus in spying on ex-girlfriends undetected
Elvish Boots of the Predictable Opponent
Boots of the Predicable Opponent gives wearer the advantage of a 78% probability that any opponent will always have the same scheme and plan of attack (ie. use of kryptonite and real estate plans)
Undergarments of the Mighty Unfocused Dragon
Undergarments of the Mighty Unfocused Dragon gives wearer +200 strength. Also has the drawback of increasing the wearers chances of being distracted from important tasks and quests by annoying whiny female reporters who bitch about abandonment by 48%
Name: Darth Vader
Class: Sith Lord
Black Face Mask of Awesomeness
Wearing the Black Face Mask of Awesomeness gives character a 300% bonus chance of transforming from a painfully annoying and wooden teenage idiot into an epic character of unlimited awesomeness. Effects Black Mask of Awesomeness takes 1 hour after equipping to go into effect. During the first hour of wearing, the character may still be susceptible to whining like a little girl.
Horde Cape of Forgetful Spawn Recognition
Horde Cape of Forgetful Spawn Recognition gives wearer a +20 bonus when identifying offspring he never even knew he had, but also has the drawback of making the character completely forget simple things (ie. droids he may have built in the past)
Orcish Gloves Of The Swift Dinner Blade
Increases various sword attacks by +110 and gives wearer a +35 in throwing dinner parties at strategic ambushes.
Name: Bruce Campbell
Armor: 0 (He’s Bruce Campbell, he doesn’t need any)
Chin Implant of the Bandit
Possessor of the Chin Implant of the Bandit gets a +53 bonus to all handsomeness checks, a +12 bonus to quick one liner delivery, and becomes totally impervious to fire, electricity and Mummy attacks
Sneakers of the Sharp Tongue
Gives an additional +30 to quick one liners and a +60% advantage bonus for critical one liner strikes resulting in a “total burn”.
Pendant of the Triumvirate Gods
Very Rare. One of only three in existence. Wearer is identified as one of the three mightiest beings on earth. (Other two Pendants of the Triumvirate Gods are worn by Chuck Norris and Mr. T)
Name: James Bond
Tuxedo of the Deadly Seductive Aura
Wearer of the Tuxedo of the Deadly Seductive Aura gains a +33 hit bonus to all gun shots and a +42 bonus to seducing women
Venus Shirt of Performance
Owner of Venus Shirt of Performance gains a +341 bonus to fornication (shirt does not need to be equipped to gain bonus)
Blood Elf Ring of Eternal Disguise
Wearer has a 29% bonus to all disguise checks. Also has face, body and voice completely changed every decade or so.
Gloves of the Speedy Yet Whipped
Wearer increases speed by +120% but takes a drawback of -45 defense against whiny girlfriend complaining about her acting career.
Eagle Undershirt of Strength and Misfortune
When equipped, the Eagle Undershirt of Strength and Misfortune gives the wearer +50 strength, but also increases the odds that an opponent will kidnap his girlfriend and dangle her from a high place as a trap by 500%
Swift Ring of the Emo Dancing Idiot
Wearer of the Swift Ring of the Emo Dancing Idiot gains a +200 agility bonus but suffers -20 to “looking Emo” defense and a random 18% chance of spontaneously breaking out into a dance number no matter how out of place it may be