You think I’m talking about “someone else”??, I’m actually talking about you. Yeah you, you smug prick — I’m trying to watch my movie, so maybe you should STOP BLOODY TALKING!!

You know that one-liner you bellowed out? The one you thought was funny?.. Yeah, the one you made during that slight pause in between the actor’s sentences so you could get the maximum distance out of your witty banter? — Yeah? Well, it was retarded. So’s your mom.

Or maybe you should face the fact that your girlfriend (boyfriend) is a complete moron, and you’re only with them because they wear those tight pants you saw in the Walmart catalogue you were humping earlier. — Maybe you should keep them at home chained to a rusty storm drain instead of bringing them to the theatre where you have to explain everything that happens like you’re teaching an English as a Second Language class.

And you know what else? Your gigantic, superficial laugh isn’t funny. You sound like a gasping deer that just got hit by a train. Your laughing won’t make us laugh, so quit thinking it will. Your laugh makes me wish you were dead. In fact, dead’s too nice – Your laugh makes me hope you get raped by a bull.

Twice.

And waiting until a “noisy part” so that everyone will only hear your broken sentence of “Cl….bl…..mp…dert… ma…..ruh…..” will only make you more surprised when I suddenly whip around and slit your throat with the nail clipper that other moron was using.

If you like talking so much, I’d recommend calling your grandmother if she hasn’t completely disowned you yet. Maybe your regular prostitute will listen to you – Hell, you even have to PAY for that — You paid for your movie ticket, didn’t you? Why break tradition? You pay, then sit and talk the whole time! And there wouldn’t even be anyone there to kill you this time – except for an angry wife/husband or the Clap, which I’d be fine with either way. Maybe you’d even get CRABS! — Although you’d likely share those details with your rent-a-friend during my next film, — So skip the prostitute — I’d recommend just plugging yourself in the head with a slug or two. That’d be Great.

Thanks.

This goes double for the Lonely guy bellowing one liners like “Beverage of Champions” during X-Men 2 at the Bay & Bloor Varsity and the stupid Woman watching Kill Bill Vol 1 at the Rainbow Market Square Cinemas.