I fail to find the words to open the review of the vilest sequences of celluloid frames ever assembled in Film and Television history.
Oh sure, you sit there all chuckling in your stupid little chair thinking I’m just trying to make it sound funny and terrible.
Begging your pardon: This movie makes me hate being alive.
If you think I’m kidding, just pause a moment: There MUST be a reason why there’s a Full Length Star Wars movie out there that you’ve never seen – or, for that matter, even HEARD of – the answer? Quite Simple: Because George Lucas doesn’t want you to. 25 years ago, on November 17, 1978, this blasphemous symphomy of vomit smeared its way into living rooms of new-born Star Wars fans everywhere – marking the commencement of the world’s largest, simultaneous mental rape ever experienced on planet Earth.
Oh sure, it aired on television, but this ain’t no “30 minute” deal – This sucker ranks in at roughly an hour and 35 minutes; putting it well into the “feature length” category – Add in the commercials, which, in contrast was like occasional 4 minute glimpses of the Virgin Mary, and you’ve got yourself 2 hours of the most unwatchable television ever devised by someone who got paid to come up with something. It took me, the man with nothing else to do, 4 DAYS to watch this. I couldn’t bear it in segments longer than 8 minutes.
You’ll age 26 years in that time, and you’ll soak your sofa with all the urine that you’ll piss yourself with as your brain slips in and out of shock. The only conceivable way this movie could be worse is if it actually GAVE you cancer. In fact, it just might. Wow, cancer and the Star Wars Holiday special – I almost shot myself just typing that.
Most of this charade is a Pantomime done by Chewie’s family (yes, family) that have apparently been heavily influenced by mid-20th century Western Culture. The mom wearing an apron cooking dinner, the child nagging the grandfather relaxing in his easy chair, it’s pretty amazing.
You see the story is this: Chewie has to get home in time to celebrate “Life Day” – he’s running very late because Peter Mayhew had to stay behind and beat the crap out of his agent. That’s basically it. The majority of the film is in Chewie’s family’s house. Their 15-minute long growl conversations are split up with the following:
Phone calls to:
– Art Carney (yeah, the Honeymooners guy)
– a very pretty Luke Skywalker who’s make-up artist obviously slipped into a trance while applying it
– and to Princess Leia whose “Danishes ” look a little bigger this time.And Useless, time-filler segments consisting of:
(keep in mind, these “segments” aren’t comedy – and I’m not just saying that. They are played out in a way that you’ll swear they accidentally left the camera rolling -because you’ll start wondering WHY the HELL you’re looking at what you’re looking at.)
– A horribly choreographed ribbon-dancing-like routine. Looks like the Special Ed class of Cirque du Soleil on a chessboard. (lasts 2min 42sec)
– A cooking show with a hyper fat-lady character dressed in purple with 4 arms – (lasts 4min. 5sec.)
– A trippy performance of Jefferson Starship – yeah that’s right – a rock video in the Star Wars universe. (lasts 5min.:30)
– a virtual-reality machine giving Chewie’s dad a Cyber-fantasy with Diahann Carroll – I’M NOT KIDDING. (lasts a painful 6 minutes, 55 seconds of her just standing there, fading in and out)
– a cartoon that Chewie’s kid watches. (this cartoon could be considered the “best” part of the film – but only in the way that the best sh*t doesn’t have as many flies on it. – it’s the first time we meet Boba Fett.) – lasts a killer 9min.45sec)
– an Imperial “Promo” film on “The Life on Tatooine” – this lasts an untruthful 13 min, 25 seconds.
Besides any other little stupid gags I missed, that’s 42 minutes and 22 seconds of NOTHING. Absolutely nothing. The already limp (if existent) storyline gains about as much input from the above list as George Lucas’ actors get acting direction.
Wrap the event up with a solo from Princess Leia. Yes, a solo of love and peace. As in Singing Solo. A Christmas *ahem* “Life Day” solo.
And no, I won’t tell you where to get it. I’ve also never told anyone which cliff is best to leap from.
I now submit I have done more research into this film than anyone currently residing in the Western Hemisphere. I feel empty.
I am a shell.
