I actually like dogs. Just not usually in my movies. Normally everything putters along just fine until Fifi shows up and tilts the script on its ass.
However, nothing infuriates me more than the “Invincible Dog” syndrome. You know what I’m talking about. And you hate it too. If you don’t, you should. In fact, you should be shot, and then you should. In that order.
Let me generalize this syndrome for you. Take a barely survivable situation. Guns fights are popular, settings of massive Act-of-God type destruction are even better. Take only a handful of people who are barely surviving themselves. Allow Hell to bubble over in an Industrial Light and Magic Orgasm of chaos, whatever it may be. Kill every cast member that only has a first name and a couple more in the ethnic minority. Cover everyone else with blood or soot or dirt. Cue barking. Barking…. Barking of the stupid animal, that SOMEHOW, through explanations you’ll never receive, looked at life, death and Satan right in the face, and wiggled out untouched – without the benefit of an opposable thumb even. This drives me batty. I can’t stand it. A dramatic device so obvious and so overdone, I can’t believe it isn’t outlawed. Its Hollywood’s version of the Hip-Hop singer that still rhymes “…hands in the air” with “…like ya just don’t care”.
Folks, please help me here, because I know there’s a LOT more, but I’m sick right now and can’t think of anymore. But these films are the worst films of Invincible Dog Syndrome I could think of…
–Independence Day – Granted, we all need our little time out to make sure that Rover is out-running the 50 storey wall of fire that’s careening down a tunnel at alien technology speeds. Oh look! – The doggy dodged the tower of white-hot, car-melting gases by half an inch! He’s FINE!!!!. Kill me.
– Dante’s Peak – Okay, It gets worse. And do me favour, if we’re ever fleeing a river of molten lava, fresh out of the gusher, and I BACK UP, to rescue a puppy – g’head and punch me in the balls. No please. I deserve it. I mean granted, in this case, their jeep was using 2000 degree resistant gasoline, and tires unphased by a river of hell, but who cares? Wel’ll just let the plausible world remain on hold while we gently beckon for the stupid dog, to heroically leap into the jeep, so we can then safely drive off into the sunset where we can dwell in bedtime stories laced in bullsh-t all night long.
– Speed 2 – By the end of this sentence, I will have already donated too much time to this movie than it deserves but– YOWZA. Take a boat. Increase the size of this boat to about a football field. Make this football field drift on water at top speed. Now send it crashing into shore so hard, that’d it would probably give James Cameron a stiffy. Now, all of this destruction does some mighty good damage (especially to the cardboard buildings that are too painfully obvious.) Squash an uncountable amount of cars, maybe a few slow old people,and take out an entire city block. But what’s this? that white car… is that? is that? Yes it is!! Fifi’s Okay!!! that 25,000 ton boat’s a bloody feather for Fifi!! Way to go Fifi, you stupid, ugly lame excuse for a character!! Get a thumb.
– Daylight – Nothing touches this one. Never have I been so infuriated by a dog’s survival than this. You’re guided through hours of treacherous underground holes that are barely maneuverable by humans and just as they’re about to make it…….., the dog they left behind HOURS ago, must’ve been watching the film, took notes, and caught up to them, all by his masterless self. People had to MAKE me not shut the movie off at this point.
Look at how long this is! I’m shutting up!
