Holy crap I’ve just spent the last 20 minutes pissing myself laughing while reading this. It’s a condensed screenplay for Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith. You’ve GOT to give this thing a read. Here’s an excerpt:
INT. SOME WEIRD OPERA THING
You seem worried about Natalie dying. Also, you’re confused about being a Jedi.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
They don’t want me to fuck Natalie Portman. That’s insanity. Did you see her in Closer? Holy fuck.
IAN MCDIARMID
Did you know that those who embrace the Dark Side have a lot of powers that Jedi do not? For example, they can influence that midichlorian bullshit to create life.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Create life? Wait, are you implying that my supposed virgin birth was–
IAN MCDIARMID
And they can stop others from dying.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Stop others? Like, if someone force chokes them and they start to die because of it hours later?
IAN MCDIARMID
Yup.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
That’s distracting enough that I’ll not bother following up on the other thing you said.
Ok, I just wanted to throw this one in there too:
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN arrives.
Wow, you really can absorb force lightning with a lightsaber. Someone really, really needs to tell Luke that. Anyway, Ian, I think Samuel is about to rip you a new one, mind telling me how to save Natalie real quick?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Fuck that, I’m killing this geezer now.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
You can’t. He must stand trial. Killing him now would be… er, well it would be exactly the same as when I killed Christoper Lee in the beginning of the movie.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
You’re actually right, but I’m going to kill him anyway.
HAYDEN stops him and IAN throws him out the window, a fall which no PARTIALLY ELECTROCUTED JEDI CAPABLE OF SUPER-JUMPING could possibly survive.
What have I done?
(pause)
I submit myself to your will, Ian.
IAN MCDIARMID
That was fast. Well, now that you have taken a single, somewhat justifiable step toward the Dark Side, there’s no turning back. Go kill all of the Jedi in the temple, including the children.
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Right, go kill the children. Got it.
IAN MCDIARMID
Well, kill everyone, not just–
HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(leaving)
On my way to kill all of the children now! Whee!
He DOES. The CLONE TROOPERS kill most of the adult Jedi, while the challenging task of murdering children can only be undertaken by the DARK LORD OF THE SITH.
Oh my sweet goodness. This thing is hilarious. You can go read the whole freaking thing here. Thanks to DarkKinger for the heads up.
