I think most people agree that 2006 was a horrible year for film. Oh, there were a few bright spots (see my post tomorrow for the Best Films of 2006), but overall it was a year we should quickly forget.
Usually, it’s harder to put together a “best” list than a “worst” list, but not this year. This year there was so much crap it was difficult to pick just 10 to represent our pick for the absolute worst (wide release) films of 2006. These are in no particular order, except the #1 worst film of the year. And the “winners” are:
The #1 Worst Film of 2006 is:
 Lady in the Water embodies the downfall of M. Night Shyamalan and all the things that led to it. Without a doubt the most self absorbed, self serving and self praising piece of cinematic garbage to dirty the screen this year. What starts off with a promising concept and mythology, quickly gets flushed down the toilet with witless banter, massive logic jumps, poor story telling all of which was almost drowned out by the loud sound of M. Night patting himself on the back. A total mess from start to finish, Lady in the Water shows us what can happen when a director without all that much credits to his name starts believing all his own press. Easily, the worst film of 2006. |
| And the rest in no particular order: |
 Little Man – The mind boggling question of “How the hell does they Wayans brothers continue to get studios to green light their projects” quickly turns into “Why the hell do people actually spend money on seeing Wayans brothers crap movie after crap movie?” You can’t really blame the studios when this pile of crap makes almost $60 million at the boxoffice. The blame squarely lies with us… the movie going audience. All I can say, is that not once… not one single time did I even come close to cracking a smile during this horrible movie. Come to think of it, the whole audience I saw it with only had mild giggling throughout it. Bad bad bad movie, and thanks to all of us idiots who went to see it, there will probably be another one.
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 Stay Alive – When the synopsis of a movie reads: “For a group of teens, the answer to the mysterious death of their old friend lies within the world of an online video game based on the true story of an ancient noblewoman known as the Blood Countess.” you should probably know well enough to stay away. Sadly for many of us, we weren’t smart enough to heed the warning. It’s bad enough that all video game movies suck balls… but they take it to a new level when it’s a video game playing movie about a game that doesn’t even exist. To this day I don’t even know if the movie was one of the worst horror films of all time… or a Saturday Night Live joke skit that lasted 90 minutes. Maybe if the guy at the end jumped up and sang “It’s my dick in a box” it would have been more enjoyable. I’m still amazed some studio gave this thing the go ahead… and how they didn’t have the smarts to just make it direct to DVD when it was done. My brain still hurts this movie sucked so much.
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 Benchwarmers – Believe it or not, deep down there was a part of me that was really hoping Benchwarmers would show us that Jon Header wasn’t just a one trick pony and one hit wonder with Dynamite. That maybe it was possible for David Spade to pull himself back out of the slide he was in, and return to being funny again. That maybe Rob Schneider would do SOMETHING worth watching (the guy hasn’t been funny a day in his life). The trailers made me grin, and I thought maybe… just maybe this could be that movie. Nope. It’s wasn’t. A pathetic movie whose best moments were when none of Header Spade or Schneider were on the screen. An unfunny waste of time that only proved yet again Jon Heder has nothing to him, Spade is done like dinner and Schneider never was anything in the first place after leaving SNL.
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 The Return – Will someone please tell Sarah Michelle Gellar that having once been Buffy the Vampire Slayer doesn’t cut it anymore and that she needs to start doing some project worth doing before she totally falls off of everyones radar? I mean come on. This film has the distinction of being the single most BORING movie I’ve ever had the displeasure of watching in my entire life. NOTHING HAPPENS IN THIS MOVIE. Ever. Not until the very end when we see a car crash… and by that point no one cared anymore. The film was marketed as if it was some spooky horror flick… when really it’s not a horror at all. Bad movie, with bad and misleading marketing with a horrible performance by Gellar. Never ever ever see The Return.
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 Silent Hill – The next film in a long and glorious line of video game movies that totally suck ass. I don’t know which was more sad… this movie… or some fans of the game who desperately tried to convince themselves they actually thought the movie was “ok”. It wasn’t “ok”. It wasn’t even just a “little bad”. This movie rotted like bad meat in the Las Vegas sun. Some really horrible effects work, bad acting (except for perhaps Sean Bean) all in a movie that tried so bloody hard to be spooky that it just came off as laughable. Don’t bother with this film, it’ll just give you bad dreams of all the other cool things you COULD have been doing with your time and the money you wasted.
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 Underworld: Evolution – It’s difficult to say that ANYTHING with Kate Beckinsale wearing tight black leather was anything but marvelous… but sorry to say Underworld Evolution was just so bad that even Kate couldn’t save it from this list. I liked the first Underworld although it didn’t live up to it’s potential. I (and many other people) held out the hope that part 2 could improve upon what was good in the first one and make a really great fun action film. That didn’t happen. instead we got more of the stuff that made the first film weak. Hell, at least the first film had two FANTASTIC bad guys in Viktor (played brilliantly by Bill Nigh) and Lucian. What did this movie give us??? Stupid geeky looking Marcus and his dumb wolf brother?!?! Such a missed opportunity. Oh well, I guess we can always hope for better in Underworld 3.
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 The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift – Here’s today’s lesson kiddies. Just because you like cars, and a movie is about cars… that doesn’t mean the movie is good. Just because you like dancing, and a particular movie has good dancing in it… that doesn’t mean it’s a good movie. How the fuck did FF3 even get CONSIDERED let alone actually made into a movie is totally beyond me. A film franchise with none of the characters from either of the previous 2 wretched films, set in a totally different country, wtih some of the WORST acting I’ve ever seen all mixed in with LAUGHABLE CGI effects that come to us via 1998 quality. The saddest part about this movie is that there will probably be another one… god have mercy on us. Just bring the next flood.
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 Scary Movie 4 – Haha… oh look, he’s got a big hard on. Haha… oh look, it looks like the one guy is touching the other guy’s balls. Haha, oh look, the blind girl is taking a dump in a room she thinks is a bathroom, but it’s not and there are lots of people watching her. Oh wow, this is soooooo funny. Welcome to North America… and people wonder why experts are telling us Asian countries are going to be dominating everything in the next couple of generations.
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 Ice Age 2 – The first Ice Age movie wasn’t all that bad… it was even cute at times. However, this sequel just sucks. Some people try to defend it by saying “What are you expecting? It’s a kids movie”! To them I just say, Toy Story was a kids movie too… except it was a good movie. Finding Nemo was a kids movie, but it was a GOOD movie. Monsters Inc. was a kids movie, but it was a GOOD movie. Since when did we just accept that kids movies can’t also be GOOD movies too? Where the first one was cute, this one was stupid. Where the first one was funny, this one was boring. Farts and trips only go so far. Man, I wish they just made a movie with that damn squirrel… it would have been a lot more entertaining than this nonsense. |
So there you have it folks, The Movie Blog’s list of the 10 worst films of 2006. Feel free to hop in the comments section and leave your thoughts. What films would you NOT have on that list? Which films do you think I should have included?
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