Movie Blog reader Lukas sent this too me. Some of it is just hilarious. So what would Lord of the Rings have been like if one of these other Big Name directors had sat behind the chair?
What would The Lord Of The Rings be like if somebody else had adapted it?
George Lucas:
-Hobbit’s language strange grammar has.
-ALL swords glow
-The story is divided into nine parts, the middle ones are filmed first.
John Woo:
-Gandalf is saved from the tower not by an eagle but by 66 white doves.
-Legolas shoots with two bows at the same time (don’t ask me how to do that!)
-All fighting scenes are in slow motion and have no sound except for the score
Woody Allen:
-black/white und mono sound
-Problems with Orcs get merely discussed.
James Cameron:
-Each of the films costs 400Mion. $
-Schwarzenegger is Sauron who (after the battle in the beginning) claims that ‘he’ll be back’
M. Night Shyamalan:
-In the end it turns out that the ringwraiths are the only living, everyone else is already dead.
Michael Bay:
– Gimli’s axe has a giant label saying ‘Wilkinson’. Aragorn’s clothes are by Jack Wolfskin and there are American flags EVERYWHERE.
– While a woman is putting washing on the line (in slow motion) the Nazgul pass flying above her.
Ridley Scott:
Frodo’s having an identity crises, there are unicorns in the woods, the Nazgul are designed by Giger, Sauron is a gourmet and the battle scenes woud look…. um….exactly the same
Alfred Hitchcock:
– Nazguls look like birds and Frodo seeks cover in a phone booth. Gandalf and Pippin sleep in Minas Tirith’s Bate’s Motel… in the end it turns out that Frodo’s been dead all the time and that Sam has been talking to a corpse.
– And Hitchcock has a cameo as Gollum.
Roland Emmerich:
– Gandalf’s death is shown in slow motion, the scene has extremely drippy music and 2 minutes later no one would care anymore.
– The Balrog is a female and has layed eggs everywhere in Moria.
– In the beginning everybody is holding up their own flag, but after a poignant speech given by Frodo they finally decide to bomb Sauron away together
– The president of Middle Earth saves the fellowship.
– The DVD has excellent sound, but the director’s commentary is unbearable (‘It’s like kind of…’)
David Fincher:
– The film is very dark, the hobbits are depressive human wrecks and Gandalf has a dissociative personality disorder. In the end Sauron dies but wins anyway.
– And probably somebody tries to commit suicide.
David Lynch:
– The atmosphere is even darker. Finally all the members of the fellowship encounter themselves in the shire…. and NOBODY understands the film.
Stanley Kubrick:
– Hobbit’s caves consist of quadratic corridords (to fit the 4:3 aspect ratio)
– After an almost eternal shot of the shire the film suddenly jumps to Moria
– Elves wear white clothes and black hats, their language consists of words like ‘Droog’, ‘Dewotschka’ and ‘Maltchik’.
Spike Lee:
– No changes to the story, but all inhabitants of Middle Earth are black.
John Carpenter:
– Script, score, editing and directing are done exclusively by John Carpenter himself.
– Middle Earth looks unusally deserted and one member of the fellowship is in reality a mad murderer that might strike at any moment.
Ed Wood:
-The film is done in black/white; it’s not done in New Zeeland but in Ed Wood’s private home.
-If Ian McKellen had died during filming he would have been replaced by Steven Seagal, Danny DeVito or somebody else (because nobody would notice)
-Some decades later the film would have become a cult classic anyway.
P.T. Anderson:
– In the foreground of the story there’s the brokenness and the personal fate of the characters but hardly any fights. It would rain orcs in the end and the film would probably be like…. 17 hours long.
Quentin Tarantino / Robert Rodriguez:
– Frodo and Sam, the coolest gangsters in the shire, have to get back a mysterious ring for their boss Aragorn.
– By torturing Gollum and cutting off one of his ears they learn, that Sauron has been keeping the ring up his ass for several years.
– One in three words is ‘fuck’.
-The audience would never learn, what the fuck the ring is good for….
The Coen-brothers:
– After Frodo, a phlegmatic, unemployed, but extremly excentric hobbit and his pals Aragorn and Boromir have gotten out of jail Frodo learns that the ring that used to make his cave really comfortable has vanished! Aragorn who gets on everybody nerves by telling storys about his battles for Gondor and stupid Boromir, who interrupts Aragorn whenver there’s an oppurtunity aren’t helpful at all and unfortunately Boromir has an heart attack while fighting a group of nihilistic orcs. There are some mysterious kidnappings and murders that are explained by Arwen (who is pregnant)
Sam Raimi
– The ring can be destroyed with the magic words Klaatu verrata nectu (or something like that)
– Frodo has a chainsaw and is played by Bruce Campbell
– Almost all actors a relatives of Sam Raimi
– The only car seen in the film is there for a purpose
– Frodo and Sam get the order to destroy the ring not from Gandalf himself but on a tape.
