With the new Aliens Versus Predator 2 coming out soon (officially titled Aliens vs. Predator – Requiem), studio executives who have invested a gazillion dollars in the sequel, that no one asked for, have been getting a little nervous recently that the film is getting next to no buzz around the internet or in the popular industry magazines.
“We believe in the concept very much” said William Morisson, Vice President of Ill-Advised Sequels at 20th Century Fox. “People may not THINK they need another Aliens Versus Predator… but we know better, and it is our social responsibility to give it to them… force feed it to them really, or forcibly through another body cavity if absolutely necessary… and they’ll thank us for it later”.
But even the optimistic Morisson was growing concerned about the apparent lack of interest in the picture. He and AVP- directors Colin and Greg Strause met together this past weekend for an emergency meeting to come up with ways to get more public interest in the upcoming movie. Their solution…
“A totally gay Predi-Alien” said Greg Strause.
“We saw all the wild and fresh publicity the Harry Potter franchise was getting this week because of JK Rowlings announcing that Albus Dumbledore is gay, even though the book release was ages ago and we’re still a long way off from the new movie. So we thought it would be a great idea to tinker with our story just a little bit and introduce the universes first gay Alien/Predator. We’re fucking awesome!”
With such a bold announcement, the Srause brothers also had to adjust the overall plot of the film to fit in with the new sexual orientation of the Predi-Alien.
“You see” continued Colin Stause, “Instead of just some boring old mindless force of nature killing machine that he was going to be, now he’s a socially rejected and misunderstood person who is figuring out how to deal with being different in this new world where many don’t accept him just because of who he is. It’s very touching”.
Morisson firmly agrees. “We did some re-shoots to add in Greg Kinnear as the gentle and understanding next door neighbor who extends a hand of friendship to the now depressed gay Predi-Alien”. Both Coin and Greg Strause respond in unison “It shows us that the power of love can conquer all”.
When asked how they think film pundits and critics will respond to this radical change of direction for the film, even though it presents a positive social message, Morisson confidently said “That’s not something we worry about. This bold move makes us critic proof. They all know that if they say anything negative about the movie now, we’ll label them as homophobes”. “Dirty Homophobes” Colin and Greg again respond in unison. “I think we’ll be in Oscar contention now”.
Alien vs Predator – Requiem hits theaters this December.
(This obviously fake story was inspired by a conversation I had with Eric from Cinematical yesterday)
