This topic is a very popular one amongst the Movie Blog crew. We all have our pet peeves when it comes to going out to a movie theatre. (You can click here to view John Campea’s editorial on what he hates about going to the movies.) However, there are other things besides the atrocious costs of movie tickets and concessions snacks that piss me off, and it mostly has to do with us….the audience members. The stuff people do at the theatres can really get to me! Here is my list of things we’ve all been either subjected to or guilty of committing at the movie theatres.
Space-Seating– We are all guilty of this, yet it doesn’t really bother us until we’re the ones on the other side. It’s a sold out show. You have five friends and you’re trying to get good seats in the back. Unfortunately there are no five seats together, yet you can see there are five empty seats SPREAD OUT in an entire row. This is what really PISSES me off in theatre! You just want to ask the entire row if they could all move down so you and your friends can sit, but you don’t. You want to know why? Can you recall the times when there were only two of you, and you asked a couple to move down one seat. The universal look you probably got is the same one you get when you fart and everybody knows it was you. Now imagine the look you would get if you asked an entire row to move down for you? That is why we sulk and risk a sprained neck in the front row.
Determined People Who Want to Get Good Seats after the show has started– Unless you’re going to a non packed theatre, once the show has started, you should assume all the seats in the back are taken. But no, there are always the determined people who stand in everybody’s way to see if they can get a seat in the back as if good seats will materialize out of thin air. They’re actually the rare ones who notice the space-seating and actually have the balls to ask everybody in the row to shift down! Sit in FRONT! If you didn’t want bad seats, next time arrive EARLY!
Horny Teenagers– I’m not going to address the problem about all teenagers in the movie theatres, because that would take all day to write, and to be quite honest I enjoy screaming obscenities to the loud ass bastard kids who won’t shut up. I want to talk about the horny as f*ck teenagers who honestly believe they have the power of invisibility. Do you think we can’t see you? It’s as if they’re just oblivious or simply don’t care if the rest of the public sees the titty grabs, the tongue thrusts, or the up and down motion of the guy’s coat on his lap. It’s honestly the most awkward thing one can experience because you can’t possibly tell them to stop rounding third base, yet you can’t pay attention to the movie when you don’t. CATCH 22… (or 69 depending how ballsy they are) Also, why is it they always pick the most crowded show to do that at? If you want to “watch” a movie at a place where it’s socially acceptable to be horny, go to the DRIVE-IN!
The Stretch-out Killers– I know this is a selfish thing to comment on, but I’m human and don’t tell me you haven’t done this! Have you ever gone to see a movie in an empty theatre? It’s great isn’t it? You know you shouldn’t do it, but you put your legs on top of the seat in front of you, and stretch out and feel completely relaxed. Have you ever had a douche chose the seat directly in front of you, forcing you to put down your legs? Oooh…that f*cking makes me so mad! Out of all the 500 vacant seats, that person had pick the one in front of you??! I know it’s selfish and petty, but it still gets under my skin!
Line-butters– I usually don’t have to wait in line for a movie, due to the fact that I’m usually patient enough to wait a week after opening weekend for a blockbuster movie. However, a few years ago my then boyfriend made me wait in line opening night for ‘Spider Man 2.’ (Anyone who stood in one of those line-ups, feels my pain.) He had promised he would make it up to me, and because I loved the sex…I mean HIM, I waited. I waited two hours in the line-up and spent the time fantasizing about the late night sex he owed me and hours of ‘Sex and the City’ episodes I was going to make him endure before they eventually let us in the theatre. It was then I saw a group of bleach blond bimbos walk into the building, past the line, and into the theatre while the timid employees (a.k.a. “PUSSIES) did nothing. Believe me, I went off faster and louder than Roger Rabbit with a shot of JD in his system. I just wanted to yank those girls by their Jessica Simpson hair extensions and shout out, “Hey! This isn’t a line up to a club you can by pass because you sucked off the bouncer! Did you think I wanted to wait in this 2 hour line up with my overly excited and geeky boyfriend just so I can hope for potentially mind-blowing sex I might get afterwards? (*Note: I didn’t even get it afterwards. F*cker!) You are not royalty! The only thing platinum about you is your hair, so show a little respect!!” Lesson to all…do not butt in front of me. (Unless you just want to stand with your friends who will just save a seat for you anyways…then that’s totally understandable)
Non-apologetic Foot-steppers– This always happens. Someone will ALWAYS step on your foot while trying to get to their seat. When it hurts, it pisses you off, but all it takes for that inner fury to disappear is for that person to turn around and to genuinely apologize to you. Then you genuinely smile and say, “It’s okay. It happens.’ However, it’s when the person (who usually is a fat ass with stilettos) steps on your foot and doesn’t apologize that will send you flying through the roof. Now I understand why fights in clubs occur because of this.
Saving stranger Seats– I don’t mind saving a stranger’s seat. However, I DO mind saving their entire party’s seats. It’s just incredibly rude to ask a stranger to be subjected to the anxiety of being constantly asked, “Are these seats taken?” over and OVER again until they arrive! Put your f*cking coat on the chair like everybody else!
The “Wannabe Comedian”-Have you ever been to a funny or atrociously bad movie where someone in the audience spouts out a funny line, and the majority of the theatre breaks out laughing. No matter how funny this person’s line was, I NEVER laugh. You know why? Once this person has succeeded the first time, they have the courage to say one-liners for the rest of the f*cking movie. People who laugh at these dicks should be ashamed of themselves. I’m always thinking, ‘Shut up! You’re not funny! If you were a comedian, I would heckle more than people at a Pauly Shore show! Shut the f*ck up! F*ck!’ Sorry…I had a ‘Doug Nagy’ moment there. ;)
Bonus: The Pee-Inducing Fountain Soda- Okay, this isn’t the fault of the audience members, but I feel it’s something that should be brought up. Yes, I have a problem with the soda at the theatres, or what I like to refer to as ‘the pregnancy-test friendly’ fountain soda. This is because if I anxiously needed to take a test, I would down this soda….because I’m guaranteed to pee within fifteen minutes once it’s been consumed! It doesn’t matter whether you get a small, medium, or large, you will always test your bladder to see if you can make it to the end of the movie without p*ssing your pants. If you’re like me and hate missing any part of the movie, (unless it’s a Michael Bay film, then I know I can leave to the bathroom and come back and the same things will be occurring on screen) you probably have experienced the “foot tap” the “rocking” and if nobody is watching “the genital grab” just to distract you.
What are your suggestions?
