With a 64 year old Indiana Jones coming back and kicking all sorts of box office ass after a nearly 20 year lay off from the hat and whip… with a 61 year old Rambo combating genocide in jungle warfare resulting in glorious bloody victory… with a 59 year old Rocky Balboa coming out of a long retirement to go toe to toe with a much younger current heavyweight champion… and now with news that there is perhaps a 7th Rocky film on the horizon… and yes… even with a way past their primes 68 year old Al Pacino and a 65 year old Robert De Niro coming back as bad ass scary cops in Righteous Kill (don’t worry… I’m sure the movie will be great… after all it has 50 Cent in it so it’s got to be gold right? Please note sarcasm), I caught myself wondering today about what other old time action heroes it might be time to dust off and throw back into the box office ring?
I mean, if we can buy that a 68 year old Pacino is a scary tough guy… if we can believe a 64 year old Indy can swing across rafters and fight off 5 Commie soldiers single handedly… then why couldn’t we buy some of the following ideas? There is no such thing as age!
SEAN CONNERY BACK AS 007 IN “THE SOLACE OF MY PANTS”
Yes, the true James Bond is back, and this time the 78 year old British Secret Agent is coming face to face with his most cunning foe: The damn kids who live next door to him and won’t keep their stupid hip hop music down while he’s trying to nap in the afternoons. But one day after his morning fiber supplements he discovers there is more to the nuisance than he first suspected. The grandson of his old enemy, Dr. Julius No, is secretly orchestrating the noise in order to keep seniors awake during the day so that they sleep harder at night, at which point he sneaks into their homes and steal their pants and all the lose change in them (his name in the movie is Busta No, played by Vin Diesel). In an epic battle, Bond tracks down Busta No and attempts to unravel the mystery of the missing pants. In the end Bond has a fight to the death with Vin Diesel and beats the shit out of him, followed by anally raping him in the middle of the street to intimidate the hooligan kids so they’ll never bother him with their stupid music again.
ANDY GRIFFITH BRINGS DOWN CRACK DEALERS IN “THE MAYBERRY NIGHTMARE”
Things have changed for the 82 year old Sheriff Andy Taylor and the quite town of Mayberry since 1960. Serving in his 12th term as town sheriff, the tranquility of the little town is turned upside down when 200 Mexican drug lords set up operations and terrorize the citizens. After 3 years of putting up with the criminals, Sheriff Taylor has had enough and vows to take back his town no matter the cost. The shocking climax has Griffith beating the shit out of the gang leader (played by Mike MenSTEALia) with a medieval mace and then anally rapes him in the public square in front of all the gangsters who then are demoralized and leave town.
TOMMY LEE JONES SEEKS PAYBACK IN “COUNTRY BELONGS TO THIS OLD MAN, BITCH!”
Following the conclusion of the 2008 Oscar winning film “No Country For Old Men”, Sheriff Ed Tom Bell (played by Tommy Lee Jones) can’t relax in his retirement. He is haunted by the events in “No Country” and can find no rest. He realizes he will never be mentally free until he hunts down and kills Anton Chigurh (again played by Javier Bardem). Hot on his trail, Sheriff Bell tracks Anton to a secret martial arts tournament to the death in Thailand. Bell tricks Anton into entering the Tournament. Bell surprisingly defies all odds and destroys Anton in the tournament finals by breaking his back leaving him paralyzed. Bell then anally rapes Anton to get closure… then breaks his neck and kills him in the ring. The tournament attendees are stunned but mildly aroused.
PETER O’TOOLE DEFEATS TERRORISM IN “LAWRENCE OF ARABIA 2”
Long thought dead, Thomas Edward Lawrence has secretly been living in solitude back in the mid-eastern desert, the sight of his former glories. But when Lawrence finds out about the terrorist atrocities going on in the world and the inability of the west to capture Osama Bin Laden, Lawrence undestands the world needs him yet again to jump into action. No divided convictions this time… he must hunt and kill Bin Laden. For the past 40 years Lawrence has been training in the secret ways of the Arabic Desert Ninja. Slowly and methodically he kills his way up the terrorist command chain, drenching himself in terrorist blood until tracking Bin Laden down in disguise as a soccer game in a crowded stadium. The fight between Lawrence and Bin Laden spills onto the field until Lawrence breaks both Bin Laden’s legs, leaving him helpless. Lawrence then anally rapes Bin Laden in front of the stunned terrorist filled stadium as a warning to the rest of them. They all then give up their terrorist ways.
CLINT EASTWOOD LICKS BLOOD FROM HIS KNUCKLES IN “ANY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE 3”
Happily enjoying his retirement, Philo and his 30 year old Orangutan named Clyde spend their days in a Florida seniors home taking in the weather, doing some fishing and indulging in the odd prostitute now and again. But history repeats itself when the mob comes looking for Philo to pull him back into bare knuckles fighting yet again. The mob’s golden fight boy named “Henry the Destoryer” (played by UFC champion George St. Pierre) is constantly told that although he’s a great bare knuckles champion, he’ll never be as good as Philo was… and so he wants to fight the legend. The mob tells Philo to fight, and to lose or they’ll kill his monkey. But defying age and the odds, Philo reaches down to find the strength to fight for his and his monkey’s freedom and defeats Henry. Then, Philo anally rapes Henry in front of the mob… just because he’s pretty old thought for a second the bare ass belonged to Eva Mendes
So there you go folks, just a couple of ideas for brining out the old time heroes and showing the world that age is no issue and that a nearly 80 year old man can still take on a dozen lesser men! Are there any other I’ve left off that list that you’d like to see back in action?
