Let me set the record straight right off the bat. I am not a G.I. Joe hater at all. I am hoping this movie rocks. If this were a sporting event, and the G.I. Joe movie was about to take the field, I’d be in the stands wearing my G.I. Joe Jersey, waving my G.I. Joe flag and cheering them on at the top of my lungs.
Then again, us Toronto Maple Leafs fans do that all the time… but the team still sucks. And no matter how much I hope, how much I cheer, G.I. Joe will (in my opinion) suck a great and powerful suck of epic proportions. And dear heavens I hope I’m wrong… but I don’t think I am.
So why have I come to the belief that this movie is destined to let us all down? There are a few very important ones that I’ll lay out here:
#1) IT’S GOING TO TARGET KIDS
When we first heard that there was going to be a G.I. Joe movie, a lot of guys my age who grew up with the cartoon and the toys and this bad ass grand vision in our heads of a great and violent G.I. Joe flick. I mean after all… Transformers had great action and violence in it right?
Well yes… but… talk to any studio person and they’ll tell you, the ratings people look at a robot getting it’s head ripped off a LOT differently than they look at a human being getting their head ripped off. We can see Jazz getting torn in half by Megatron no problem… but if it was Shia LaBeouf Megatron was tearing apart it would have been slapped with a hard “R” faster than Michael Richards career disappeared… and the toy company would not let that happen.
So for us adult fans of G.I. Joe, we are doomed to get a very soft version, because the toy company won’t accept anything less. This movie is being made to sell toys, and to do that, it’s gotta be kid friendly, which I believe will leave many of us unsatisfied.
#2) THE DIRECTOR
When they announced that Stephen Sommers was directing G.I. Joe my eyes rolled back in my head like I was the Undertaker. Yes, I sort of dig the first “The Mummy” movie… but this is the same guy who gave us the second Mummy movie (ouch), and the guy who did that horrible live action “The Jungle Book” movie back in the 90’s… but worst of all he’s the one responsible for that absolute crapfest of a movie known as “Van Helsing”. I hope I’m wrong, but I simply do not trust this guy to deliver the goods. I could write posts everyday for the next year about how bad Van Helsing is. How on earth they decided to entrust G.I. Joe to this man is completely beyond me.
#3) THE CAST
Even though I didn’t think “Fighting” looked very good, I went to see it the other week with a real curiosity because the G.I. Joe star, Channing Tatum, was also the star of Fighting and I wanted to see what we could expect from him. Folks, he’s terrible. At least he was terrible in Fighting. I’m not going to paint the dude with a broad brush and say he’ll never have a career or be any good. Maybe he’ll win an Oscar someday… but in Fighting he was just dreadful. No, it’s not just that the movie was bad… HE was bad. And this guy is supposed to be Duke?!?!?!
Will someone please explain to me what the fuck a Wayans brother is doing in this movie? Marlon Wayans?!?!? Really?!?!?! Maybe it was his ground breaking performance in Dungeons & Dragons (please note sarcasm). Maybe it was his oscar worthy role in Little Man (please note Sarcasm). Perhaps it was his breathtaking portrayal in White Chicks (please note sarcasm). Oh yeah, we was ok in Requiem for a Dream… ALMOST 10 YEARS AGO.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Cobra Commander?!?! Are you shitting me? Don’t get me wrong, Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a solid performer… but casting him as Cobra Commander just baffles my mind.
So there you have it. The fact that this movie has to be kid friendly, a bad choice in directors and a horrible cast unfortunately convince me that G.I. Joe is going to rot like last week’s cheese. Once again, I really hope I’m wrong… I’m going to be there opening day… I’ll be cheering for it… but I just think it’s going to let us all down.
HOWEVER…
There are a couple of little things that may be enough to give us G.I. Joe fans the slightest glimmer of hope that the movie may not be bad. Hang on dearly to these things:
1) Even though Summers is the WRONG guy to direct this… and that he’s done some horrible work in the past… the first Mummy movie was pretty good. So maybe… just maybe.
2) It’s a bad cast, but it does at least have the amazing Dennis Quaid. Quaid seems to have the ability to elevate the work of those around him. Having him as General Hawk was the only good pre-production decision I think they made about this film.
3) Trailers mean nothing… the Phantom Menace is the greatest trailer in history and look how bad that movie turned out. Still, the trailers for G.I. Joe (one is just posted below) haven’t been bad. I’ve actually liked them.
4) Ray Park and Snake Eyes vs Storm Shadow
Their going to have the ninjas in the movie. Good move. They got Ray Park (Darth Maul) to play Snake Eyes… also a good move.
None of these are enough to change my mind personally that G.I. Joe will suck… but they give us some hope to hang on to. And we need all the hope we can get.
Guess now we just need to wait and see how it turns out.
