I’ve enjoyed the first 2 Blade films. Each one had it’s glaring weaknesses, but overall each delivered a decently entertaining film. My expectations for Blade Trinity where no more and no less. As it turned out… LESS was the key word.
I actually attended the opening of Blade Trinity with my Audio Edition co-host Doug Nagy… who was visibly angry after leaving the theater. Doug really likes Blade, and this film turned him off the franchise for life.
Without going into a synopsis, let me just cut to the chase about what worked and what didn’t work with this film:
The Ugly Stuff:
1) VAMPIRES ARE FRAGILE INCOMPETENT LITTLE KITTENS WHO BREAK EASY
In the first Blade film, vampires are mythical creatures of great power and dignity. I loved the ruling council of vampires (that Decon Frost eventually disbanded). They are powerful, cunning, dangerous demons of the night that are to be feared. But in Blade Trinity they’ve been reduced to a bumbling side-show version of the keystone cops. Stupid, no dignity, and EXTREMELY easy to kill. Just the fact that one human girl can take out 6 vampires at once ruined the whole film for me. It’s hard to fear the rise of the vampires in a movie when the vampires are all just a drugged up gang of losers who seem to die if they drink cold milk too fast.
2) MEET DRACULA-LITE. LESS FILLING. TASTES SOUR.
The concept of bringing in the original vampire was a good one. But the Dracula character was totally misused. What should have been the vampire version of Return of the King, was nothing more than another half-assed hentchman. One scene that really drives me nuts is when Dracula (thousands of years old, Father of the Vampire Race) is walking around town to hip-hop/techno music. Just so stupid. They did nothing with this character, not nearly as menacing as he should/could have been, and no where near central enough to the plot of the story.
3) iPods: WHAT BETTER WAY TO FIGHT VAMPIRES THAN TO TURN OFF YOUR SENSE OF HEARING!
This movie tried so hard to be pop-culturally cool that it just came across as desperate. Doug actually said to me at one point “if they show one more slow motion shot of her putting on her iPod I’m leaving”. And how does this make sense? You’re about to go into battle with a bunch of vampires… so you put on some headphones so you can’t hear anything that’s going on around you?!?! Just pathetic. Oh but wait… she’s cool cause it’s an iPod. Dumb Dumb Dumb.
4) TRIPLE H: JUST WRESTLE
No one wanted TRIPLE H to do well in this movie more than me. I’m a big fan of his. BUT… well…. don’t quit your day job dude. You ain’t The Rock. No disrespect intended… I’m still a fan… but acting just ain’t your bag. Although giving Reynolds that power slam did look cool.
5) TECH GEEK FROM ALIAS MOONLIGHTS FOR THE NIGHTSTAKERS
Am I the ONLY one who noticed that the computer tech guy in the Nightstakers is EXACTLY the same as the one from Alias? He looks the same, he talked the same, he moved the same, his mannerisms where the same. What a rip off.
6) WHY DID WE WAKE UP DRACULA AGAIN? I FORGOT.
The movie introduces 2 completely different reasons at different points as to why the vampires wake up Dracula… and neither of them made sense. First it was to battle Blade… but the vampires had already put this whole elaborate plan in motion to have the humans capture Blade for them. And it worked. The second reason, which came out of nowhere, was to use Dracula’s DNA to help all vampires become day walkers. The only problem is that they didn’t go anywhere with this at all. It was just ignored the whole film. Dumb.
7) WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A KLINGON BATLIFF WITH A LIGHTSABER?
I’m sorry, but that little weapon that Jessica Biel was toting around was just plain stupid and looked ridiculous. Suddenly Blade wasn’t just fantasy… it’s Sci-Fi now. Bad move.
8) I’M THE MIGHTY DRACULA… WATCH ME BRAVELY RUN AWAY!
I’m sorry, but no way should Blade even stand a chance against Dracula, King and father of the Vampire race. Thousands of years old and the mightiest of his kind. So what does he do? He runs away and makes Blade chase him. I think that’s where the film finally lost me.
9) ONCE A VAMPIRE, ALWAYS A VAMPI… OH NEVER MIND, TAKE TWO ASPRIN AND YOU’LL BE FINE
Ummm… I thought the first Blade film made it clear that after you were bitten, if you weren’t “cured” within the first day or two you were done. So Hannibal King is a Vampire for years and they just gave him some hot chicken soup and made him all better?
Ok, I could go on much longer with the list… but you get the idea. However, there were a few good things about this movie:
1) RYAN REYNOLDS IS THE MAN
Hands down, easily the best part about Blade Trinity was Ryan Reynolds. Everytime he opened his mouth I laughed myself silly. Now I see why the word has been going around that they’re already developing a Nightstalker spin off franchise. Build it around Reynolds and you’ve got a winner.
2) SADLY, THERE IS NO #2
Blade Trinity has some redeeming qualities… but few of them… and none (besides Reynolds) really stand out. However, Reynolds was strong enough to prevent this movie from being one of the worst I’ve seen this year. Still, over-all a pathetic conclusion to the Blade saga… which was titled “TRINITY” for no apparent reason whatsoever. I give Blade Trinity a generous 4/10.
