I hate children. Not really, I exaggerate for comedic reasons, but as someone that does not have the “paternal instinct” I can tell you that I hold them in no high regard. I treat children as equals and judge them accordingly. When it comes to film, nothing infuriates me more than when a kid seems “stuffed” into the script, and then adds nothing to the film. When this happens; I get mad. The movie has to pander to “kid’s stuff” which in turn takes time away from adult themes, and I am left wondering “what the fuck?”
I believe that the following four movies would have been superior if they did not cast children. Not all of the films were bad, not all of them were good, but every single one of them would have been better off without children in the story.
Mad Max 3: Beyond Thunderdome
This movie starts off like a cannon. We have Max trudging through the desert till he comes to Bartertown, he gets caught up in a political struggle and is called upon to assassinate Master blaster (a midget on a mentally handicapped giant!). In Thunderdome two men enter and one man leaves; pretty awesome so far right? You are god damned right! Then Max chickens out, and is sent to the gulag….only to be rescued by a group or very clean feral children,
No movie has gone from the pinnacle of awesome to the depths of suck quicker than this. What were they thinking? How did a franchise that kills Max’s kid in the first film, and has a wicked Wolf Kid in Road Warrior then turn around and give us this group of hack Disney-esque desert kids? Max should have killed Master Blaster (after being double crossed), gone back to town, kicked ass and taken his car back. Instead we get some bizarre children’s movie and the franchise is spoiled.
Superman Returns
We finally get a new Superman film and they decide to make him a baby daddy. For much of the movie we are watching Superman deal with the fact that he has a bastard son. This is boring and takes up far too much screen-time. Who wanted this? Why would anybody want this? Was the kid written into the film to appeal to mainstream U.S.A? “Hey look Superman has unwanted children just like half the people on the block, he is a super hero I can relate to.” You know who you shouldn’t be able to relate to? Fuckin’ Superman! He is a son of Krypton and can melt shit with laser vision! We can relate to his alter ego of Clark Kent (he is a loser human just like us.)
Introducing family life and child rearing to this franchise has doomed it before it had a chance. From now on we will have to watch Superman raise his family and continually rescue them from the clutches of evil doers.
Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.
Poor Jake Lloyd. There was a time when he was the most hated person on earth, and that is quite an accomplishment for the tender age of 10. One of the most beloved villains of all time was portrayed in the worst way possible. Anakin was annoying every second he was on screen. Normally you hope a character this bad gets killed off, but you knew that wasn’t going to happen till Return Of The Jedi.
Now at this point some may say “you need a young Vader in the film in order for it to happen!” Yes and No. My friend Jay and I have talked at great length about how much better this film could have been if they cast a character that was around the age of 16. At this age not only do you have a much wider casting pool available, but actors at this age range have much more ability.
It makes sense for a 16 year old Vader to totally have a boner for Padme, he is virile and is hunting for vagina on the desolate planet of Tatooine. He would also be crazy about podracing, and it would make sense for him to burn the midnight oil fixing up his ride. At 16 he could have destroyed the space station on purpose, as opposed to pushing the lucky button that flew him to space, fought countless droids and then blew up the enemy space-station.
Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom
Short Round I hate to add you, but I have to. Although Jonathan Ke Qwan did a great job in the role, I firmly believe that the film would have been better without his inclusion. We do not see him in Indiana Jones 3 and it has always been strange to me why he makes a brief appearance in the series and then disappears. It is just downright creepy that Indy has a young Vietnamese boy as a buddy… no one would “be cool” with this in real life. Everyone in the movie pulls a Polanski and just accepts it as normal.
Temple Of Doom had enough to keep it awesome; you have a temple where human sacrifice occurs in the heart of a volcano, a high priest that uses crazy occult magic to rip the hearts out of dudes, and the scene with “the bugs” still gives me the willies. Some of my favorite Spielberg shots were in this film, and of all the movies on this list Temple Of Doom is clearly the best, but sans Short Round It would’ve been better.
Hindsight is always 20/20 but it is important to keep your story focused. When children are in a scene you have to be very careful what happens. If you have Leopold piss on Dudley’s face in a movie – no problem; you have that same scene in a film with a girl guide character in the room – you will have to answer some serious questions. Children have their place in many stories and I want to stress that point, but when when in doubt, leave them out.
I will admit that this issue bothers me more than most, but when a film is better by subtraction I am always confused why someone didn’t catch the math along the way. Many child actors have been fine and are necessary for some stories to be told. If Stand By Me was a film about four thirty-somethings looking for a corpse; the movie would have lost a lot of magic. I am saying there is a proper time and place for everything, kids included.
